Putting It Back Together

When I first made the decision to get alcohol out of my life I was scared, scared, scared. I was making this huge change that felt like it affected everything about me. Who was I without alcohol? What would I do if drinking was no longer a factor in my daily routine and decisions? My sense of self was totally shattered.

At first it felt like I needed to cut ties completely with the old me. I was breaking up with myself because I had been a bad friend. We all KNOW that you are supposed to be your own best friend, right? Well, I knew that I wasn’t doing that because I was hurting myself when I drank. I had to renounce my life as I knew it. It was very black and white, because I wasn’t capable of seeing other colors at that point.

Old Drinking Life = Bad

New Sober Life = Good

My attitude has shifted in the past few weeks. I no longer have to renounce my old life in its entirety. I did a lot of good things in my old life! I had a lot of fun! There are many things that I regret that have to do with drinking, but it wasn’t all bad. I simply wasn’t as awake as I am now. Because that is what I feel like. I am AWAKE now. At least, more so than I was when I used alcohol as a crutch for living life.

I am also feeling much more ready to face the world again. I needed some time to hide out and grow stronger in my sobriety. It was a fragile thing at first. It is gradually getting stronger the longer I live this way. Alcohol is NOT AN OPTION FOR ME. It never was. It was a destructive force, not a fun way to relax and have fun. I sometimes feel like an oddball for abstaining, but it could be worse. It is what it is. I am learning to make the most out of my life and my baggage, including the fact that when I drink I don’t like myself. I am okay with that and ready to be myself around others.

I am putting myself back together- the past, the present, and hopefully the future. They are all ME. The only black and white thinking I need is that I NO LONGER DRINK.

 

 

Advertisements

12 thoughts on “Putting It Back Together

  1. Thanks Jen – I find this post reassuring. At just 8 weeks into sobriety, I feel a bit lost in Nowheresville. I don’t know who I am or where I am or what I’m doing here. I know I feel better about myself than I did before, and I feel better physically, but so much is still unclear. That first paragraph where you describe your sense of self as being “shattered” really resonates with me. I hope in time I can move forward as you have 🙂 xxx

  2. Jen, I really love what you say here! I understand that thing, trying to shake off the old self altogether, but I think it’s throwing away too much. Maybe being kind and forgiving means being the same with yourself. For me, that’s important, anyway. I think if I think the old me was all bad, sooner or later, that won’t be convincing, and then I’ll fall into thinking it was all good. But the way you talk about all this here, it sounds more sane and hopeful and good, a way of life that makes sense to keep on with. I always enjoy reading about what’s up with you, and as always, I’m so glad you’re doing well. xo

  3. Jen you and I think so much alike 🙂 I’m trying to figure this stuff out too and I’m not as far along as you but find your sober being in my not to distant future calming. It will be okay is what I hear and I need that 🙂 xx

  4. I needed time, too, and I took that time. I felt like I became a hermit, but now…I see that I needed that then, and needed to stay true to my process. Good for you, seeing and knowing what you need now! 🙂

  5. I can soooo relate. I was also shit scared and had my sense of self rocked to it’s core. Like who lives without alcohol..? Who does that??!!! Well here’s your answer girl. You do it and I do it and thousand of other brave folks do it. Yes we do. xxx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s