I used to worry constantly that I was missing out on something. In fact, I often drank to help numb the feeling that I was missing all of the cool happenings with the fun people of the world. I felt like everyone was out living amazing lives while I was sitting home feeling sad and alone, so why not drink? At least that way I might get drunk enough to go out and talk to people. But of course, if I left my house post-bottleofwhatever I wouldn’t remember talking to anyone, and I didn’t really act like myself while I was out, so I was left feeling sad and alone again. Sad, alone, and worried that I did something completely stupid by going out. A vicious, terrible cycle if you ask me.
I sometimes feel a mild nostalgia for those days, or for the people that I used to like drinking with, but those days are gone. I read a great line somewhere that said something like “once you experience nostalgia the thing you are feeling nostalgic about is long dead”, and that makes so much sense to me. There is no going back once you get this far down the path of recovery. I could relapse, but I can’t unlearn what I have learned, and drinking will forever haunt me because I know how much more there is to life now. I genuinely used to think that drinking was the best. Now I am sad for the person who feels that way. Not sorry for them, but sad because life has a lot more to offer than hangovers and regrets. Life is different now in so many ways, and it is important to acknowledge that every once and again.