I have been busy planning a friend’s bridal shower and bachelorette party for next month. It is my latest obsession. It seems like I get through my days better if I have something to focus on… something to distract me from being present all the time. Last week I was researching cars like crazy, making lists, deciding which would be best for my family. This week it is party planning. Don’t get me wrong- I like doing these things most of the time. I might obsess a bit much, though. I also sometimes obsess and then drop the project completely when I get bored. Hmm.
The cool thing is that I am 100% not worried about being sober at this party. I am actually looking forward to it. I will be present, clear-headed, helpful, and able to DRIVE. So… it will be good. Plus- it’s not about me so I can sit back, relax, and help my friend have a great day.
I feel guilty when I am not 110% present in my life, which is ridiculous, I think. Nobody is totally present all the time. Distractions are good, especially in early sobriety….which I am STILL IN. I have to remind myself of that sometimes. Slow down, speedy, there is plenty of time to rule the world. But still… the nagging thought that I NEED something outside of myself to be fulfilled upsets me. It’s always on to the next purpose, goal, item to buy. Keep moving, moving, moving, buying, buying, buying. Sometimes it just all seems so compulsive and depressing. I didn’t want to get sober just to start ‘keeping up with the joneses’, you know?
Or maybe that was an excuse that I used to tell myself when I wanted too much out of life. I didn’t want to be greedy and materialistic like everybody else. Somewhere along the line being responsible became too normal for me. I was too cool for that shit. DOWN WITH THE MAN.
So now that I am sober and cleaning up my messes I realize that I was wrong about people. They aren’t boring because they are responsible… I said that to feel better about my life. I see it more clearly now because I am not boring even though I am behaving in a responsible way. Even if I am boring… who cares. I don’t have to please everyone, anyway.
This post is pretty rambling…. thanks for reading. 🙂
I spoke with a family member last night and they told me all about this person at their job who had it in for them, and it reminded me of the old me. I used to always worry that other people had it in for me. I also thought people were assholes a lot of the time. I am realizing that I was wrong.
a) People can be assholes but they aren’t all the time. b) Drinking too much on a regular basis makes you see things in a fucked up way. c) Distractions are okay but I want/need to remember the important things in life. d) It is okay for my priorities to change now. It is okay to let go of the old me. I am not letting go of the good parts. e) It is okay to slow down and take this one step at a time.