Experiencing LIFE

I have been stalking plants in my neighborhood. Daily stalking, mainly through walks, though sometimes I drive, to check out the gardens of the people living in my neighborhood. I am particularly interested in a few hydrangeas living close by. Those sexy beasts. My husband thinks I have gone slightly mad, and I do not completely disagree. He spends his days and nights dreaming of Vespa scooters, so we are a perfect pair, really. A good match with our slightly obsessive temperaments in regards to hobbies. I feel open enough with him to share my obsessions, in part due to the fact that he’s been there during my struggle with booze. So, I am an ex-boozer and plant enthusiast (stalker). Nice to meet you.

Life seems different to me now. When I take my daily walk to visit my plant friends, listening to the sweet and humorous sounds of my son’s new words bubbling up from the stroller in front of me, I notice the vast quantities of life around me. There is life everywhere and it all seems so new to me now. Where was all of this life before? How did I miss it? We live in a wild place, in a small town near a large forest, and we are surrounded by wild things. I stop and look up at the trees almost every day. “Wow. That is an amazing tree,” I say to myself, “How did I never notice how tall? How green? How old? Those leaves. Wow.”

I did notice, of course, in my own way. The trees were there, the people were there, the animals were there, and the life was there. It’s just that I was stuck inside of my sad drinking life- which is what it is to me now. I accept it, surrender to it, and don’t condemn myself for it, but it was sad to be so damn sad all the time. I spent the majority of my precious time feeling sorry for myself, while numbing the life that was all around me, and inside me, and a part of me and everything else. I was keeping myself in the dark instead of allowing myself to wake up and see the light. But I did see the light sometimes. I noticed the beauty of the world around me at times. Enough to eventually wake up, realize there is more out there, and quit drinking.

Life is breathtakingly beautiful at times. Crushing in the sweetest way possible. And sometimes crushing in a not-so-sweet way. It isn’t always easy to feel this much more of every feeling than I used to. But I wouldn’t change it for the world.

90 Days

tumblr_lyexndejet1qjuevro1_500_large

I have been looking back a lot lately. I feel proud that I have gone 90 days without drinking, but I am SO aware of all of the mistakes I made in the past. I hope that I will eventually get to a place where I can be more accepting and forgiving of who I was. I am not ready to go there yet … it’s almost as if I need to dissociate from my ‘old’ self to really delve into changing my life and becoming the ‘new’ me. I think that one day I will be able to look back and feel happiness for the path I have taken, and my past, but there are a lot of painful memories that are still too close. Of course, there was grace present the entire time, which is why I am sitting here typing this today. I know that much is true.

My feelings are really raw lately … so much more so than they used to be. Angry feels angrier, sad feels sadder, happy feels downright joyous. Handling them is both beautiful and hard. They come out of the blue and really surprise me. It feels almost childlike, and can be disconcerting. I like feeling them, though. It makes me feel alive in an entirely different way than it used to when I was living so close to the edge.

I think the changing seasons has something to do with the melancholy I have been experiencing. Everything is dying, it is getting colder outside, I am sober. So what now? It is getting easier to stay sober, but I am not really comfortable living there yet. So I will continue to be free of alcohol and continue to take tiny steps forward. I love traveling light, and living a sober life has allowed me to set down some shitty and heavy baggage, and that is pretty damn cool.

90 days is pretty cool.