Ups, Downs and All-Arounds

I was worried there for a bit, but things are starting to feel better. Life was beginning to feel really hard without alcohol. Like, really damn hard. I was feeling left out of activities because I no longer drink, worrying about meeting new people sober, and thinking that my husband would probably want to leave me because of how boring I have become since we were married, due to the lack of alcohol in my life, of course. My thoughts and reactions have been totally overblown and my paranoia has been in full effect. Last night I started thinking about why I have been feeling this way, and alas, I just passed 9 months sober last week. That significant trigger of a date plus a yucky sinus problem that felt never-ending pushed me over the edge, I think. Or triggered a PAWS (post-acute withdrawal syndrome) episode, more accurately.

Luckily yesterday, when I was beginning to think that I couldn’t take the stress and strain of it all anymore, I found some really reassuring reading about getting back to normal in sobriety and how at 9 months, it probably ain’t gonna happen. Not yet. But I am on the way there, and that makes me feel better. Just knowing and understanding that I was having a PAWS episode helped make me feel better. Like, right on. I’ve dealt with this before… I can handle this. Just ride it out and see what I can find out about myself in the process.

One thing I have learned from this rough patch is that I need to have a better plan for rough patches. Until today, I could feel myself slowly slipping down the path of relapse one negative thought at a time. I feel lucky to have found something- grace perhaps?- when I did. I was pulled up and out of my negative thinking at a crucial time. What will I do when something really bad happens? I don’t want to sit around waiting for my life to go to shit, but based on the fact that shitty, sad, scary, and bad things happen to everyone, I think I would be remiss not to make a plan for this eventuality. I am not sure what my plan is exactly, but working my atypical program on a regular basis is vital. The problem, I believe, is that relapse creeps up like depression and hits you when you are at your worst, when you’re weak and feeling less-than-able, so some of my program needs to be built into my life. Routine. Support people. Sturdy things that are there no matter what during those rough times. I need to work on structure.

I also need to remind myself to have more patience. I am thrilled to be free from alcohol for 9 months, but I am still learning about myself and my limitations. In order to stay off the booze I need to be careful with how I choose to spend my time, who I spend it with, etc. My ‘old normal’ just isn’t an option anymore, even if I feel left out of activities sometimes. I don’t get invited to bar outings anymore, which makes me feel sad and left out and bereft, but do I really want to go, anyway? Should I go? Probably not, to be honest. As much as I admire the cool sober chicks who are fine being at bars on the reg, I am just not there yet… and I might not ever be there. And that’s okay. Sobriety isn’t a one-size-fits-all kinda thing. It isn’t even a one-size-fits-all thing for me. It changes regularly.

I think I am finally-sorta-kinda-maybe beginning to understand that self-care is doing what feels right, what I can handle, and what is good for me on a day-to-day basis. I have always admired it in theory, but am pretty self-care challenged in everyday life, as much as it pains me to admit. In real life sobriety with real life things happening, there are ups, downs and all-arounds that you have to deal with. Luckily, it seems that the answer is pretty simple. Don’t drink and eventually you will be okay again. I was going to say don’t drink, do some processing, and eventually you will be okay again, but I am not sure that is accurate. Sometimes the processing just seems to happen with time. I have been dreaming crazy dreams like a madwoman the past few weeks, and I think my mind has been doing some subconscious processing… with or without me.

So, in summary, life is a mystery, but it is also amazing to be able to really and truly experience it without booze. Thanks for reading, my friends.

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11 thoughts on “Ups, Downs and All-Arounds

  1. I would love to know the title or URL of the ‘reassuring reading’ you mentioned–at 11 months and also feeling a bit of longing for ‘normal’ these days. Great post! Kristi

  2. 9 months! yes, i too have not felt “out of the woods” yet. i think it is essential to get through this summer and expect it may be tough. on my end anyway, nothing like a hot day to sit about drinking – but ruins the sunny morning, the next day, of course. re: the bar scene. i say you are better off at home with your son or doing just about anything! i have not gone to one sober either and would like to go once sober, as a social experiment. unlikely to happen anytime soon. am about to embark on my first sober girls’ weekend. not a big drinking crowd and i probably drank the most and fretted about it ..but still feels a bit weird especially since i’d like to talk at length about quitting drinking .. but no one really wants to hear it .. is how i feel anyway, possibly i am too sensitive. thanks for posting – i was wondering how you were. glad still there!

  3. 9 months is amazing – congratulations Jen. Sorry to hear that you have been having a rough time, and it seems to me that you have been really strong to ride it out. I read with interest what you said about having a plan for the rough patches, this sounds like such wise advice. Good to hear from you. Hugs. xxx

  4. As I celebrate one year of sobriety today, I am filled with gratitude reading your post. You have put into words so many of the same thoughts and feelings I have experienced of late. It’s so powerful and meaningful when we can see that others rise to the same challenges we face. And rise to the challenge you have! Thank you for inspiring me~

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