All Mixed Up

I have felt really up and down lately. I have been sick with a bad head cold, super hormonal this month, and generally an emotional messy mess. The end result is me feeling nostalgic for drinking days…blah. Very angsty teenager up in here, which is not what I’m aiming for. Gotta be me- I am working on self-acceptance even through the low phases/bad times/shit. I know these feelings will pass and I’ll be happy about staying sober. The end.

Just kidding.

I think I am getting down to some of the messy things that propel me to drink, aside from my genes and the addictive nature of alcohol. Without question I used alcohol as a way to escape emotions, but I am realizing that I also used it as a way to escape MYSELF. To become a different person- someone who took more risks. Some of those risks were bad and dangerous, sure, but some of them were healthy and good. Like talking to people that I wanted to talk to, and saying things that I really wanted or needed to say even though they were hard or scary. I sometimes feel so stuffed up without alcohol. It really released me from that insecure little voice that told me to pretend I didn’t see someone instead of going over and saying hello, or to stay at home alone when I’d really rather be out socializing, or to sit at a table acting cool instead of dancing and looking silly, or to say ‘I Love You’.

I know I have the power to change by taking more risks, and I am doing it little by little, but sometimes progress feels slow and I feel depressed that I HAVE this problem in the first place. Drinking is not an option for me anymore because the costs truly outweigh the benefits (love me a little cost/benefit analysis), but I am having some nostalgia over the whole thing. The changes seem so BIG right now. I am scared that I will miss special moments because I am too scared to really live them- to actually show up and take part in them- without booze. I hide at home now whereas I used to hide behind my boozy persona.

It sounds crazy to be nostalgic for something that mostly took things away from my life. ‘Tis the nature of the beast, I suppose. Changing these thought patterns can be serious work, but I am realizing that I have to take risks to live a happy, sober life. Which means changing my thought patterns so that I act differently than I have in the past.

A good friend of mine is getting married soon and I want to help her celebrate. I am going to try to loosen up a little more at her wedding and have sober FUN. Yeah!

Sometimes this sober stuff is hard on the brain box, but it is still so worth it. Big hugs to you all.

16 thoughts on “All Mixed Up

  1. Big hugs back Jen I’m right with you. Feeling subdued and struggling with the sheer up and down of it all and would just love to escape ‘me’ for a bit xx

  2. It’s hard, isn’t it, to find the real you, the person you are without booze? I find myself all over the place, and can’t quite work everything out, and feel like I’m learning lots of things anew. Confusing!

    • It is confusing sometimes! The good outweighs the bad, but it can be hard figuring out who we are. Time. I have to remind myself to be patient and give it more time. Things will get more clear. 🙂

  3. I love this post! I am sorry for your blah feelings!! Snap out of it! 🙂 I get that nostalgic thought process. It is so easy to start romanticizing the past. It is not made easier by the way that alcohol is everywhere!! If you look up it’s there waving it’s arm and shouting “drink me”!

    You are well-read, so you know the right answers to your questions. This doesn’t stop the brain from manipulating your thoughts. You will never unlearn the things that you have discovered during your sober path. These thoughts will forever be ingrained in your psyche. If you were to drink, you would fall victim to guilt for doing what you do not really want in your heart. You will want to stop the next day, but then the cravings will kick-in just like they did in those first 30 days. You will feel overwhelmed by your actions and at the same time you have to fight off those nasty cravings that seem so physical in the beginning. Trust me, you will be okay, just don’t drink.

    Hugs – Heather

    • Ha! I will try to snap out of it. This damn headache thing I’ve had for the past week isn’t helping and it felt good to whine a bit. 🙂 I am trying not to romanticize drinking, but I feel a sense of loss for the old me. This also has to do with the pre-child days. Good to hear from you Heather. Your words make a lot of sense to me. We can’t go back, so onwards through the muck! xoxo

  4. You do have to take some risks to be happy and sober. You don’t have to be drinking to be charming, entertaining and fun. Have more faith in yourself as an awesome sober chick. At last months book group we were all laughing and I was joking, one of the women said something to me about how crazy funny I was and “you aren’t even drinking!”. Just be yourself, your new me will shine through. Go to the wedding, be yourself, embrace the new you, we do!

  5. Yeah.. sometimes this sober stuff is really really really hard on our brainbox… so hard it can cause that little ‘fuck it, I’m having a drink’ voice to pop up.. But no! We are bigger and better and stronger and harder and faster (too many adjectives?!) for that voice and for bloody alcohol. It does us no good.. Go You!

    • Silly voices telling us bad stuff! It also came out in my dreams last night. I am not going to drink alcohol no matter what, but some times it is easier going than others. Such is life, yeah? Bring on the adjectives…we don’t need the grody stuff! xo

  6. “I used alcohol as a way to escape emotions, but I am realizing that I also used it as a way to escape MYSELF” BOOM!

    I so identified with this. Now I needed to
    a) forgive myself for that and my drinking
    b) come to understand, accept and like myself without booze

    I think b) is very much still … work in progress!

  7. Hi there Jen, I related to so much of this post… really up and down, oh yes. Felt great yesterday, really great, and this morning am all weepy and full of self-loathing. Want to escape myself, want to be different, to climb off this bedrock of insecurity, don’t know who I am sober… I’m sure you can do this, Jen, you are doing so much already. Enjoy that wedding and come back and tell us all about it 🙂 Hugs. xxx

  8. Thanks for your blog, I just signed up for it — very timely, I appreciate your honesty. Life seems so quiet now (boring?) as my husband and I are both sober. I was looking at an old photo album, at all the “fun” times with the old drinking friends, when life seemed so much “easier” before we realized we had a problem. Ignornance is bliss? I don’t think so. Knowledge and awareness are hard, but I know there is no possible way we could go back to drinking and ever have fun doing it. Never ever. This is the path and there’s no going back. And our journey continues, and it’s good to be on it with you.

  9. Oh my god…this is exactly what I’ve been feeling these past few weeks!thanks so much for helps to see that other people feel this way too,and as usual,your message is upbeat and positive.
    Its hard to feel normal as a non drinker,especially when everyone I know(no exaggeration!) drinks very regularly and always to get drunk!how do you manage social situations? I either come away feeling thrilled that I did it and happy in the knowledge that I’ll be jogging early in the morning while my friends are trying to lift their heads off their pillows or…..I’m absolutely depressed and bitter that I can’t throw caution to the wind and say ‘to hell with it’!is it possible to achieve a happy medium?!

  10. This type of writing is the thing that will keep you sober. It’s ‘the expecting that there won’t be ups and downs’ that got me in trouble. Hang in there. You’re doing great. xox

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