It’s pretty exciting thinking about all of the opportunities I have now that I am no longer chugging down booze every evening and feeling sickly every morning. All this free time gives me too many options, perhaps, as I am having a hard time deciding on one thing that I want to do FOREVER. Thinking about forever is a real mind fuck, isn’t it?
I mean, I can’t think about forever when it comes to sobriety. Why should I think that I can do it about anything else? Who cares about forever, anyway? I am certainly not going to live forever, so why worry about it?
So I am trying to rein it in a bit. Focus on what I want to do today or even next year, but not five years down the road, or forever down the road. I like that I am thinking bigger now that I am sober, once I get past the negativity of not being able to drink ever again, which ebbs and flows.
I want to do things with my life, like start a business. Drinking allowed me to procrastinate doing that for way too long. What kind of business? Well…that’s where the indecision comes in. I have a new idea every few weeks that I get super excited about and then let fizzle away.
To be honest, I have always done this. I have always had a hard time making up my mind, and have looked to others for answers as to how I should live my life. I did it once again a few weeks ago when a friend complimented me on a design I had made for a friend’s bridal shower invitations, and then again on her wedding invitations. She told me she thought I should open a business designing wedding invitations and things. I immediately mentally dropped the career plans that I had been making and thought “yes! that IS what I should do!” without realizing that I was doing it again- letting myself be guided by another in a direction that wasn’t of my choosing.
Of course, it was nice to hear that she thought I was a good designer. But I already KNOW that I have a bit of talent there. Sorry for the humblebrag. Does that mean that is what I should do with my life, though? No… I mean, I am not even a huge wedding person. I didn’t want a wedding. Why would I design wedding invitations for the rest of my life?
So I eventually realized this and moved on to another business idea. Sigh.
Sometimes I wonder if I am looking for another outside thing to make me happy. Work. A career. A business. Is that the same as filling up with booze? They are different, of course- it is necessary to have money, and working is healthier than drinking- but am I searching for an outside solution to an inside need? Work won’t make me whole, even if it can help make me feel fulfilled.
I think it is okay to be unsure for now. I am going to be kind to myself. I don’t have to decide anything today. I can let my mind travel through the possibilities of this new sober life until I feel ready to commit to something. The answers are here, within, if I give them time to incubate properly. They were soaked in booze for so long.
I like it when I feel flowy and good, so I am going to feel flowy and good today. Worrying about my future non-existent business makes me tense, and is pretty silly if you ask me. Life works out nicest when I have patience, think the best about things, take things slowly, and feel my feelings. When I let things unfold naturally instead of forcing things to happen.