It’s pretty exciting thinking about all of the opportunities I have now that I am no longer chugging down booze every evening and feeling sickly every morning. All this free time gives me too many options, perhaps, as I am having a hard time deciding on one thing that I want to do FOREVER. Thinking about forever is a real mind fuck, isn’t it?
I mean, I can’t think about forever when it comes to sobriety. Why should I think that I can do it about anything else? Who cares about forever, anyway? I am certainly not going to live forever, so why worry about it?
So I am trying to rein it in a bit. Focus on what I want to do today or even next year, but not five years down the road, or forever down the road. I like that I am thinking bigger now that I am sober, once I get past the negativity of not being able to drink ever again, which ebbs and flows.
I want to do things with my life, like start a business. Drinking allowed me to procrastinate doing that for way too long. What kind of business? Well…that’s where the indecision comes in. I have a new idea every few weeks that I get super excited about and then let fizzle away.
To be honest, I have always done this. I have always had a hard time making up my mind, and have looked to others for answers as to how I should live my life. I did it once again a few weeks ago when a friend complimented me on a design I had made for a friend’s bridal shower invitations, and then again on her wedding invitations. She told me she thought I should open a business designing wedding invitations and things. I immediately mentally dropped the career plans that I had been making and thought “yes! that IS what I should do!” without realizing that I was doing it again- letting myself be guided by another in a direction that wasn’t of my choosing.
Of course, it was nice to hear that she thought I was a good designer. But I already KNOW that I have a bit of talent there. Sorry for the humblebrag. Does that mean that is what I should do with my life, though? No… I mean, I am not even a huge wedding person. I didn’t want a wedding. Why would I design wedding invitations for the rest of my life?
So I eventually realized this and moved on to another business idea. Sigh.
Sometimes I wonder if I am looking for another outside thing to make me happy. Work. A career. A business. Is that the same as filling up with booze? They are different, of course- it is necessary to have money, and working is healthier than drinking- but am I searching for an outside solution to an inside need? Work won’t make me whole, even if it can help make me feel fulfilled.
I think it is okay to be unsure for now. I am going to be kind to myself. I don’t have to decide anything today. I can let my mind travel through the possibilities of this new sober life until I feel ready to commit to something. The answers are here, within, if I give them time to incubate properly. They were soaked in booze for so long.
I like it when I feel flowy and good, so I am going to feel flowy and good today. Worrying about my future non-existent business makes me tense, and is pretty silly if you ask me. Life works out nicest when I have patience, think the best about things, take things slowly, and feel my feelings. When I let things unfold naturally instead of forcing things to happen.
The Soberist Blog 
So true Jen 🙂 Thank you xx
Yeah! Great post xxx
Hi Jen, I like hearing your thoughts on this topic. I too am trying to work out the “what next” question. After being at home with the kids for a long time, it tends to send me into a tailspin of panic. I need to be able to quietly contemplate it as you do, as the panic is getting me nowhere. I’ve been doing it for years, literally! A bit of calm sensible reflection would do me a lot more good. xxx
Nice. Sometimes trying to force something simply blocks our efforts. I am sure you will chart your course in your own due time. Best to you.
Totally! Unfold naturally… That is hard to do at first, but what’s helped me a lot is seeing it in action. This past year, I have been struggling to “make things happen,” and while things have happened, a lot of my angst was simply unnecessary. I put a lot of pressure on myself to perform, or to ace it, when really, just doing it and letting it flow naturally–with mistakes and imperfections, and “could’ve done it better but I was tired”–was what happened anyway. This year, I am getting back to doing enough, but not overdoing–it’s OK for now. And, doing the big things on my list, which have been on there for years and which only one may get done! There is plenty of time to do everything you want; and the things you don’t get to, well, you grieve those in a way and move on and appreciate what you have been able to do and accomplish. Great post, keeps it in perspective for me, too. Just trying to do what I want, what makes me feel good and happy; figuring out what that is is the big challenge, and it means tuning out the outside noise (my own inner “should” voice, too)! HUGS.
You’ll figure it out in your own time and you will rock.
Sharon
I can totally relate to this post!
Hi Jen! I love this post, it is so honest. Sometimes I find doing nothing is the best way to find what you want to do. It often feels like life finds you rather than you seeking a new life. Send you big hugs and lots of well wishes! – Heather
What a pleasure it was to read this post. I just love your new attitude about career. You sound like you’re in a very good place. Congratulations!
I’ve been going through this same dilemma myself for the past 2 years and you have made me feel so much better about it, thank you. What an amazing thought that the right choice is there and that it will surface, it was just soaked in booze. Love that! Also love the idea of letting it unfold naturally.
Loved this. Thanks for putting in writing so much of what goes on in my head also!
The good news, is that you have the rest of your life to figure it out 🙂 It is awesome to have dreams. I’m in the same spot…I know I don’t want this life forever…but idk what will unfold instead. Just being open to opportunities and doing things like reduce our debt is a good start I think.
Just found your blog. I had a dream last night. In the dream someone called me a
a soberist. I woke up thinking what the heck is a soberist? I googled it and found you. Who da thunk it? Anyway. Not where I want to be yet, my wife has instructions to take away my car keys and my smart phone when I drink. Good luck to you on your journey.
I can really relate. I know my drinking kept me numb and in place, but I think in some way that’s really where I wanted to be. Moving out of my comfort zone career wise is terrifying. Hence my ambivalence about quitting.