Admitting that I had a drinking problem meant that I had to admit that I let things fall apart in my life. How could I let it get so bad? I mean, how embarrassing! In the end I couldn’t deny that I had a problem without doing some serious mental acrobatics. I was horrified to admit that everything was, in fact, NOT okay after all.
Denying that there was a problem, making excuses for all of the “little things” that went wrong over the years, was easier than facing up to this huge problem I hadn’t dealt with. That I didn’t want to deal with. That I maybe even couldn’t deal with because I didn’t have the right tools, or didn’t know that I had the right tools. But in the end, how could I NOT deal with the big elephant in the room taking big elephant poops all over my life?
I am not horrified or embarrassed about my path anymore. I let my life get that way, yep, I sure did. I take the blame. Alcohol is an addictive substance for (some) people, and I got addicted. I think I was born addicted, but in the end I made choices and ended up where I ended up. I accept who I am, warts and all. Alcoholic and all.
On a lighter note, spring is fully here at last! I am happy about that. I quit drinking last August and was relieved when the colder months came around. I thought it would be easier to stay inside and drink hot tea during the winter, and it was cozy and nice to be inside, but winter was a toughy this year and stuck around for a bit too long. I feared spring and summer because, you know… nice weather, barbecues, gardening, swimming at the lake, etc. How do you do those things without a cold alcoholic beverage in your hand?
It turns out you don’t need one! I KNOW!
I was worried for nothing. Nice weather is actually nicer without being hungover, or blurry and tired from having one too many, or blackout drunk and not remembering anything. My husband and I got a lot of work done on the garden this weekend because we weren’t rushing to get to beer-thirty and then feeling crappy the next day, unable to work again. I had loads of energy, enjoyed the sunshine, and have a great feeling of accomplishment from doing lots of tasks and helping to improve our home. There were some pangs, but they were just pangs. I am not going to drink. I want to get to one year sober and beyond. Drinking isn’t an option for me anymore, man. It just isn’t.
It turns out sobriety is kind of like staying in winter because you are not sure about spring. You worry about what it will be like, but in actuality it is so much better than you could have imagined. I mean, there are flowers! Life without alcohol is actually preferable if you are a heavy hardcore boozer person. Drinking too much on a regular basis makes life harder. If it is either ALL or NOTHING then I choose nothing because life is still good without alcohol in it. The benefits of life, like enjoying nice days, spending time with family, doing fun things, feeling accomplishment of a job well done, etc. are there sober. In fact, I believe they are better sober.
The lows might be lower, too, that is true. There is nothing to take the edge off so you have to deal with life unfiltered. Right now, to me, that seems like an okay price to pay. I tell myself that I don’t get to have it all, and I am lucky for the things that I have in my life. And that feels good; it is enough for me right now.
10 thoughts on “How Did You Let It Get So Bad?”
I love how productive you are–it DOES feel great to not be hungover the next day, eh? Sobriety has become an AWESOME practical choice, it seems. Along with comes the mirror, and the life unfiltered, but…as you said, small price. I like to think about it as the only price, you know? Price of admission to life…is that you have to look around and live it and feel it. You GET to do this. Hugs. Sounding fabulous… xx
I love the way you frame it… that it is the only price, and that we get to live. Good way to look at things, DDG! xx
I had the elephant taking big poops in my life too! Ha Ha!!!
I like that you have accepted the lows are lower — you have a good attitude. Now, please send some of that my way because I really struggle with an attitude of gratitude!
🙂 Have you tried a gratitude journal? That helps me… I struggle with it when I forget to write things down for awhile. xx
Hi, Jen. I hope you are doing well. I’ve missed you! I started a new blog that is not so much about alcohol. I would like to thank you for all of your support and help over the months. I am glad to see you sober and happy. You rock!!! — Heather
Thank you Heather! I like your new blog… very exciting. I am starting a new one too that focuses on other things, but I have yet to write I post! I will share it with you when I do. Biggest hugs to you! Thanks for stopping by! xx
Jen, please share anything you write. I love your voice and your writing ability. I am so grateful to have you in my life. Big hugs & many more to come!! 🙂
great post, thanks Jen! we are in spring here with summer still ahead of us so it is lovely to read that, apparently, we can do this in good weather, too. who knew? 😉
but seriously it is interesting how as we progress around our first sober year we are meeting with all these potential triggers for the first time. sometimes I feel like Gulliver breaking each tiny rope one at a time. but sometimes it feels like endlessly painting the Forth Bridge 😦
love you getting things done in your garden! and that you put it so simply when you say ‘drinking too much on a regular basis makes life harder.’ so basic but so true. xx
Thank you Primrose! We will conquer spring and then on to summer. I think by next year it will be old hat to be sober during the changing of the seasons! 🙂 Seriously, though, I know what you mean about meeting triggers. It can be exhausting at times! xx
Me too Jen. Getting heaps done and Mr HOF and I acknowledging that we would never have got that much done before for exactly the same reasons as you – beer o’clock and hangover pain! Pangs yes, seriously thinking about it hell no! xx