Grey Areas


My thinking is becoming less black and white than it used to be- I both think and hope this is true. I am noticing the grey areas, and actually feel comfortable living there some of the time. I realize now that the black and white thinking that I was doing was childlike, probably because I never completely moved on from my childhood. I notice when I overreact to things, even if I am unable to completely stop myself from doing it. Progress, progress, progress. My sobriety is trudging along, making small changes in me, as long as I stick to the plan.

I must stick to the recovery plan that I constructed many months ago because it is still working. The pillars of prayer and gratitude keep me going. I am not going to attempt to live without them, probably ever again in my whole life, because it is too damn scary to contemplate drinking at this point. I just don’t want to go through that again, you know? The months of mental and physical self-harm leading up to the actual torturous quitting process. No thanks. I remember that whenever I am tempted to drink, which isn’t too often these days. The cravings come out of the blue and surprise me sometimes, or I feel a bit flat and bored, but nothing I can’t handle pretty easily. I remind myself that every single day is only twenty-four hours, and I can live through pretty much anything for twenty-four hours. After all, tomorrow is another day. Thank you, Scarlett O’Hara. I have loved her since I was twelve.

It is true that life goes on without drinking. I am slowly venturing out into the real world more and more, and handling it without experiencing crippling anxiety. I still feel anxious in new settings, but I am venturing out because I know it will get easier over time, and I am able to regulate my anxiety once again. I have a few events coming up where drinking will be happening, and I am curious to see how they go. I think I will be able to handle them a zillion times better than I did six months ago, but I will still have a plan to leave if I need to. My sobriety comes first, because it allows me to have everything else. It deserves to be treated with care and respect.

Recovery is real, people. Many of you know this, but if you are doubtful I am one more voice to tell you that it does get better. xoxo

27 thoughts on “Grey Areas

  1. So young and so very wise. I’m very proud of you, I could give you a big hug. The second paragraph of your post should be printed and laminated and passed out to all, some with lots of sober time and those just beginning. It’s so true, so very true. Again, you are so young and so very wise.

  2. Hi Jen, I’m new to the sober sphere and I’ve been reading through your blog today. So much of what you write about resonates with me. It’s amazing to me that so many people struggle in the same way with alcohol, and this recognition of commonalities gives me hope that one day I might be where you are in sobreity now. Thanks for your blog posts- it gives me encouragement to keep going!

    • What a nice comment to receive- I know exactly how you feel. That is how I felt when I first stumbled upon sober blogs and memoirs last summer! It helps to read and learn how similar we are! Welcome… you are never alone. πŸ™‚

  3. Yes, you can live through anything for 24 hours! Yes, it does get easier to be in new situations until finally, you can barely remember it being a problem! Yes, recovery is real! You heal, you recover, you realize that grey is the new…black and white. πŸ™‚ HUGS!

  4. this is a great post to read. The evening out of the peaks and troughs of our thought patterns – yes. gently getting to know ourselves better. keeping an eye on the emergency exit door too. wishing you well in your forays into the wider world. keep well wrapped up πŸ˜‰ xx

  5. Just by you saying it gets better, your truth has begun to kick in on over drive. One of the reasons for my post are to instill hope, then once hope is manifested, the mind can get in tuned with the body. One day at a time. Be continually encouraged.

  6. I love what you say about not having moved on from childhood, and that you notice you overreact even if you don’t do anything about it- me too! I am still working on my patience and not taking things personally- and it does help to notice when I do something over the top (Like toss down the dog leashes and stalk off because the children won’t take no for an answer) and then think about a better way to handle things. And then to say “Sorry. I overreacted.”

    The best parts of sobriety are all the nuances- and being able to notice them. xoxo

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