Liar Liar

I realized yesterday that I sometimes still lie and manipulate even though I am sober. The scary part is that I didn’t realize I was doing it at the time. I am not sure how to be 100% honest with myself…. I thought I WAS being honest with myself and doing the right thing. I am trying to do better at life- be a better person- but this realization made me feel pretty shitty.

What do I do about this? How do I get better at seeing my blind spots? I am not sure. Practice, maybe? Weed them out one by one until they are all gone? Try to do no harm in my everyday life? Think twice before making any moves? Yes to all of it. I need to be more careful and mindful of my thoughts and actions and how they affect the world around me. Alcoholics are selfish, and I am an alcoholic. Fuck, shit, and balls.

Or maybe this is good. I am moving to a new level where I can see things more clearly (again). I didn’t used to be capable of seeing these things about myself, and now I can. THIS IS A GOOD THING. This is not an excuse to drink, it is a sign that I am continuing to grow and change. There are growing pains along the way, of course.

It comes down to self-acceptance. I don’t like these shadowy parts of myself, but they exist. They have had years of practice and they will win sometimes. I have to accept that they are a part of me to truly move forward and put them behind me.

“Be what you are. This is the first step towards becoming better than you are.” – J. C. Hare & A. W. Hare

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “Liar Liar

  1. I can hold my hand up to this too Jen – I view it as a maladaptive way of being that used to serve me in getting my needs met and now it doesn’t. Progress not perfection right? 🙂 xx

  2. When you next lie or manipulate look at exactly what the moment was.. what were you aiming for with the lie and what did you want out of it.. i.e. what were you afraid of if you do not use the lie or manipulation. What is the fear in there. Pinpoint that fear and then nut it out. Stare that fucker down and face it. I love your honesty, this is a really powerful post so thanks for sharing with us and good luck. I think we all become ‘works in progress’ when we get sober and I’m certainly still working on myself. Take care xxx

  3. I just came across your blog, and I think it’s great. Early recovery is tough and your older posts have been extremely helpful to me. Thank you. Regarding this post, if I may: We tend to be pretty tough on ourselves and I would just suggest that it seems a little unfair after leading a sober life that leads to self examination to be too critical about what you discover.

    “Today, give yourself the consideration and kindness you’d extend to the people you love. If you’re dissatisfied with your progress, remind yourself of all you’ve accomplished. If you made a mistake, cut yourself from slack. If you’re tired, take it easy.”. Tiny Buddha

    Peace.

  4. Something I’ve learned from AA is “we aim for spiritual progress not perfection”. I am slowly learning to apply this to my life. I know the feeling of wanting to be fixed now. I want to be able to put my best foot forward all of the time. This statement has taught me that it is ok to screw up. It is ok to if your character defects raise their jerky heads. The change comes when you recognize it and take steps to change and improve it. Your progress is amazing, so you are not perfect, but in my book you are inspiring. Keep doing what you are doing and you will continue to grow. – Heather

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s