I have been doing my thing lately, which involves spending a lot of time working on my recovery, plus eek-ing enjoyment out of my day-to-day life, when and where I can. I have been working on developing good routines, too, but that subject deserves a post of its own.
I used to hate that word and all it implied. If I was recovering from something it meant I had to acknowledge it, accept it, and actually deal with it. Yuck. It totally made me feel like damaged goods to even think about being an alcoholic- much less admitting to being one. We don’t acknowledge alcoholism and all of the problems that go along with it in my family, remember?
Luckily, I found that recovery is a natural process for me. I help it along by attempting to learn my patterns, trying to be aware of my behavior, reading-reading-reading about recovery, keeping a gratitude journal, etc., but the most important aspect of my recovery was making the decision to change my life. And deciding that alcohol has absolutely no place in it today or EVER. Once I got clear on those two points it began to get a little easier. My life began to develop a flow- some people call it grace- and I am lucky enough to be able to step into it some of the time.
I am actually starting to get excited about the future, which was a totally foreign concept to me a few months back. I was so caught up in my own cycles of self-defeating behavior, anxiety, and alcohol abuse that I had a hard time seeing my nose in front of my face, much less planning positive moves for the future. I experienced frantic feelings of needing to change or needing to DO something, which isn’t a good head space to be in. Now it is starting to be fun to think about life, make goals and plan ahead a little, but I am taking it slow, slow, slow. It is okay to be patient and try to spread my wings little by little…I am in no hurry to fly. I know that I will fly eventually if I keep going down this path. Or maybe I am flying already, just staying low to the ground. Either way it is OK. I am ok.
So…recovery. Yeah. It is nothing like I thought it would be and so much better than I could have imagined…sometimes. And sometimes it is hard as shit. Today is one of the good days.
9 thoughts on “Lately”
The good days make the bad days worth it 🙂
Indeed! xx, Jen
“recovery” … “journey” … all the lingo trips off the tongue after a while.. I still cringe a bit when I talk about the ‘journey’ i’ve been on in sobriety.. but it’s actually such a bloody great way to describe it.. that and Rollercoaster Ride! Bumpy and twisty-turny for sure. But I sure wouldn’t want to be doing anything else. xxx
Yeah, it does sound a bit hippy dippy, but I guess I am a bit hippy dippy in some ways. Part of accepting ourselves AS IS, right? I wouldn’t want to be doing anything else either…I am with YOU Mrs. D! 🙂
There will be lots and lots more good days ahead.
Amen to that! It makes me so happy. 🙂
I am enjoying your reflective posts – thank you! How lovely to be getting excited about the future!
Aw, thank you! It is nice to have emotions again! They are coming out from under the mucky layers of booze. 🙂
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