My thoughts have been pretty heavy, which is why I haven’t been writing as often lately. Sometimes it is just too much to process, and I would rather sit on it for awhile. Lately I have been thinking more about family, codependency, and my past. I have also been having some sneaky drinking thoughts. While some people have nice, tidy thoughts about having a glass of wine, my thoughts tend to run more towards wanting to get totally shitfaced wasted. So…at least I definitely know that they are wolfie talking. They are easy to spot and say NO to. I am not sure what is prompting them, but they are much weaker than they used to be, which is something at least. More annoying than anything else. Shut the ‘F’ up, wolfie. Geez, get the hint. I don’t do that anymore!
I have been reading ‘Codependent No More’ by Melody Beattie. Through this journey into recovery I have realized that some of my attachments to family members are a big ‘ole mess. Actually, their attachments to one another are a little bizarre, too, so we are all a big mess. It is what happens when you are raised in a household with an active alcoholic. One big, happy family filled with people trying to figure things out, and often finding the answers in a bottle of booze.
I have become less codependent than I used to be, as I used to be kind of crazy in personal relationships, especially those of a romantic nature. I was jealous and suspicious, and I would totally lose myself in a relationship. I aimed to please, which didn’t end up pleasing ANYONE at all. So, I went through romantic relationships as a serial monogamist. Those relationships were filled with drama disguised as fun, drinking, concerns about my drinking, fighting, and then a big break up, often followed by no contact in the future. Sometimes I would even move away. Eventually, I would meet a new man who thought I was SO fun, and start the pattern all over again. I gradually gained a better sense of self in my late 20’s and early 30’s, and my personal relationships are much better now. Lucky for my husband, right?! There are still remnants of those messes to clean up, though. Mainly in my mind, as those dudes are LONG GONE, thank God.
I have realized that I behave in a codependent way towards certain family members, and that it is holding me back. For me, this looks like worrying too much about their lives, to the point where it keeps me up at night because it is all I can think about. I am trying to detach from worry and place the focus on to MY life. It is working out OK, but it is a constant battle to detach. I am plagued with the ‘shoulds’. I should give them a call. Write an email. Send a gift. DO SOMETHING. Blah, blah, blah. I have to shut that voice off a lot.
Recovery feels like a lot of work sometimes! It is worth it, though, because I feel really good a lot of the time. I genuinely like being sober. In between sorting out these big, heavy issues, I enjoy most of my life. I was thinking today about how anxious I used to be to go to the grocery store. I mean, crippling anxiety…and I don’t have that anymore! That’s pretty dang cool. So, I shall continue to keep going living my sober life, tell wolfie to leave me alone whenever he pops his stupid head up, and sort out the shit that is holding me back. No problem, right?