Heavy Thoughts Are Okay Today…

My thoughts have been pretty heavy, which is why I haven’t been writing as often lately. Sometimes it is just too much to process, and I would rather sit on it for awhile. Lately I have been thinking more about family, codependency, and my past. I have also been having some sneaky drinking thoughts. While some people have nice, tidy thoughts about having a glass of wine, my thoughts tend to run more towards wanting to get totally shitfaced wasted. So…at least I definitely know that they are wolfie talking. They are easy to spot and say NO to. I am not sure what is prompting them, but they are much weaker than they used to be, which is something at least. More annoying than anything else. Shut the ‘F’ up, wolfie. Geez, get the hint. I don’t do that anymore!

I have been reading ‘Codependent No More’ by Melody Beattie. Through this journey into recovery I have realized that some of my attachments to family members are a big ‘ole mess. Actually, their attachments to one another are a little bizarre, too, so we are all a big mess. It is what happens when you are raised in a household with an active alcoholic. One big, happy family filled with people trying to figure things out, and often finding the answers in a bottle of booze.

I have become less codependent than I used to be, as I used to be kind of crazy in personal relationships, especially those of a romantic nature. I was jealous and suspicious, and I would totally lose myself in a relationship. I aimed to please, which didn’t end up pleasing ANYONE at all. So, I went through romantic relationships as a serial monogamist. Those relationships were filled with drama disguised as fun, drinking, concerns about my drinking, fighting, and then a big break up, often followed by no contact in the future. Sometimes I would even move away. Eventually, I would meet a new man who thought I was SO fun, and start the pattern all over again. I gradually gained a better sense of self in my late 20’s and early 30’s, and my personal relationships are much better now. Lucky for my husband, right?! There are still remnants of those messes to clean up, though. Mainly in my mind, as those dudes are LONG GONE, thank God.

I have realized that I behave in a codependent way towards certain family members, and that it is holding me back. For me, this looks like worrying too much about their lives, to the point where it keeps me up at night because it is all I can think about. I am trying to detach from worry and place the focus on to MY life. It is working out OK, but it is a constant battle to detach. I am plagued with the ‘shoulds’. I should give them a call. Write an email. Send a gift. DO SOMETHING. Blah, blah, blah. I have to shut that voice off a lot.

Recovery feels like a lot of work sometimes! It is worth it, though, because I feel really good a lot of the time. I genuinely like being sober. In between sorting out these big, heavy issues, I enjoy most of my life. I was thinking today about how anxious I used to be to go to the grocery store. I mean, crippling anxiety…and I don’t have that anymore! That’s pretty dang cool. So, I shall continue to keep going living my sober life, tell wolfie to leave me alone whenever he pops his stupid head up, and sort out the shit that is holding me back. No problem, right?

8 thoughts on “Heavy Thoughts Are Okay Today…

  1. It’s a great book. I am not finished it, and I don’t identify as co-dependant, but I know I have co-dependant traits. So it’s a good way of checking those out.

    Recovery is work, but it not need be all consuming…although at first it is. We then settle into life itself and a new lifestyle.

    Sounds like you’re doing great πŸ™‚


    • Thanks Paul! Codependency is a strange word…not really a diagnosis…more a grouping of unhealthy behaviors. I identify with some of it, but not everything, so I am taking some stuff from the book and leaving the rest. It’s interesting how consuming recovery can be at first. I know it won’t be like this forever, but I’ve had to make some big changes, and it takes a lot of effort. I can’t wait for it to become second nature, yet I hope to keep growing. Thanks for the nice comment, as always. Peace!

  2. I can idenify with so much of this I could have written it!
    Learning how to cope when the old feelings come up and there’s no booze mask anymore takes a bit of getting used to. But, it is growth and with it not only comes new coping strategies but feelings we never dreamed we could have. I feel like I have properly grown up this last ten months, it’s a bit of an intense course but really it does ease off eventually.
    It’s the right path for you and you are doing so well.
    Really thought provoking post!

  3. Another co-dependent here who ended up as a nurse so I get to care and worry about people for a living!! It makes us who we are though and we find new ways of being and you are doing great Jen πŸ™‚

  4. You are such a great writer. I often ready your words, and feel like I know exactly what you are talking about. I have missed you. Life has pulled me away from this, but I have often thought about you. I am sending you virtual hugs. You have made such progress. I love the soul searching that you have done. I know that I need to do exactly the same kind of intrinsic review.

    I beleive the work you are doing is the very thing that will keep you from drinking in the future. You are not alone in your thoughts. If you ever feel like talking, maybe we can exchange info somehow. Take care -Heather

    • This comment is the sweetest, Heather! I read it to my husband earlier. πŸ™‚ I would love to talk IRL sometime…maybe we could e-mail first. Mine is jenisthesoberist@gmail.com. I feel like we have BOTH made a lot of progress. We go about it differently, but that makes it better because we are truly owning our sobriety. Big hugs to you, my friend!

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