I have been looking back a lot lately. I feel proud that I have gone 90 days without drinking, but I am SO aware of all of the mistakes I made in the past. I hope that I will eventually get to a place where I can be more accepting and forgiving of who I was. I am not ready to go there yet … it’s almost as if I need to dissociate from my ‘old’ self to really delve into changing my life and becoming the ‘new’ me. I think that one day I will be able to look back and feel happiness for the path I have taken, and my past, but there are a lot of painful memories that are still too close. Of course, there was grace present the entire time, which is why I am sitting here typing this today. I know that much is true.
My feelings are really raw lately … so much more so than they used to be. Angry feels angrier, sad feels sadder, happy feels downright joyous. Handling them is both beautiful and hard. They come out of the blue and really surprise me. It feels almost childlike, and can be disconcerting. I like feeling them, though. It makes me feel alive in an entirely different way than it used to when I was living so close to the edge.
I think the changing seasons has something to do with the melancholy I have been experiencing. Everything is dying, it is getting colder outside, I am sober. So what now? It is getting easier to stay sober, but I am not really comfortable living there yet. So I will continue to be free of alcohol and continue to take tiny steps forward. I love traveling light, and living a sober life has allowed me to set down some shitty and heavy baggage, and that is pretty damn cool.
90 days is pretty cool.