90 Days

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I have been looking back a lot lately. I feel proud that I have gone 90 days without drinking, but I am SO aware of all of the mistakes I made in the past. I hope that I will eventually get to a place where I can be more accepting and forgiving of who I was. I am not ready to go there yet … it’s almost as if I need to dissociate from my ‘old’ self to really delve into changing my life and becoming the ‘new’ me. I think that one day I will be able to look back and feel happiness for the path I have taken, and my past, but there are a lot of painful memories that are still too close. Of course, there was grace present the entire time, which is why I am sitting here typing this today. I know that much is true.

My feelings are really raw lately … so much more so than they used to be. Angry feels angrier, sad feels sadder, happy feels downright joyous. Handling them is both beautiful and hard. They come out of the blue and really surprise me. It feels almost childlike, and can be disconcerting. I like feeling them, though. It makes me feel alive in an entirely different way than it used to when I was living so close to the edge.

I think the changing seasons has something to do with the melancholy I have been experiencing. Everything is dying, it is getting colder outside, I am sober. So what now? It is getting easier to stay sober, but I am not really comfortable living there yet. So I will continue to be free of alcohol and continue to take tiny steps forward. I love traveling light, and living a sober life has allowed me to set down some shitty and heavy baggage, and that is pretty damn cool.

90 days is pretty cool.

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27 thoughts on “90 Days

  1. 90 days is AWESOME!!!! I am so happy for you. I hope you have an opportunity to enjoy yourself today. Exciting……10 days from now you will be at 100!!!! Congrats!!! πŸ™‚ You ROCK!!!!

  2. First of all, YES, 90 days is an amazing milestone–you should be super-proud of yourself. BUT, like we’ve all experienced, it doesn’t necessarily mean anything, in a way. I mean, I had my worst cravings from about 90 days to 6 months, mainly because everyone seemed to be telling me that I would feel so awesome and I was like, OK, I don’t, why not just drink again? (Total drunk logic!)

    I also started to see glimpses of my past, of the past me, for what they really are/were–horrible. It’s a time when you start to reflect and work through everything ELSE besides not drinking.

    I would say, keep going. Keep feeling. Don’t expect the mood swings and emotional roller coaster to stop just yet, but know that what you are doing now–the hard work–will pay off. And, if you don’t yet feel like unearthing all the shit, don’t! DO NOT. You NEVER have to do anything but stay sober. Time will eventually come in and say, it’s time. And, your heart and inner strength will tell you when you are ready–and you will be, ready to look at all the shit and let it go, too. I have to say, from about 9 months to now, letting all that old shit that I did go has become WAY easier. You see that it simply does not matter, you feel stronger. It’ll come. Just don’t drink, keep on being gentle with yourself, and get out that unicorn glitter and throw yourself a parade–you TOTALLY deserve it! xx

    • Wow, thank you for this nice comment. It is reassuring to hear that I don’t have to deal with all of the negative stuff from my past just yet, and it will be okay. Staying sober is definitely getting easier, it’s all the stuff that comes with it that is hard! I am busting out the glitter. Adn the chocolate ice cream. And then I’m going to sleep … I’m freaking tired today. xx πŸ™‚

  3. 90 days! 90 days! 90 days! That’s a lot of days. I know what you mean about the emotions part: they just sort of get really big and feely. Isn’t it nice? Doesn’t it suck? See how balanced you are? πŸ™‚ Way to go. High five!

  4. I am proud of you, I made it to about 35 days, and fell off. I’ve since had one night a week of drink, but I would feel so much better if it was alcohol free. It’s so hard to start, but I think as time goes by it will get easier! You go girl! x

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