It was a feeling more than anything. A premonition… knowledge deep inside my gut that something terrible would happen if I kept drinking. This is why I stopped. I wasn’t cajoled or forced or intervened upon. I was scared. I was hurting myself and I had to do something about it. That little voice was persistent but tiny, and so easily shoved into the back of my mind, that I didn’t hear it for a really long time.
As I am sober for more and more time I can feel my intuition growing stronger. That little voice inside my gut is leading me to better places than it used to. When you are listening to your gut’s little voice- your intuition, not your junkie voice- you are following your own positive path in life. This path will not generally steer you wrong because it is based upon self-love. I really enjoyed the latest post on the ‘Sober Identity’ blog here, which talked a lot about loving yourself. Check it out, yo.
The main thing that I took from her article was that it is impossible to drink AND love yourself if you are an alcoholic. So, for me, drinking does not equal self-love. Drinking will NEVER equal self-love because drinking is actually a form of self-harm. Thinking about that caused a big aha! moment for me. I can never, ever pamper myself, or relax with, a glass of wine or a shot of whiskey again. It is NOT relaxing or pampering because it is so, so bad for me. I can go for a run or meditate or cry or take a bath, but I cannot give myself booze and pretend that I am loving myself.
My little intuitive voice has always been there trying to lead me to good places, but I wasn’t very good at listening to it for a long time. Alcohol clogged it up, numbed it out, distracted it with hangovers, and did a number of other things to obscure it that I am only beginning to awaken to. I think it will only grow louder and more clear as my brain continues to heal from the years of abuse that I put it through. I feel excited to find out where that little voice will lead me from here.