It was a feeling more than anything. A premonition… knowledge deep inside my gut that something terrible would happen if I kept drinking. This is why I stopped. I wasn’t cajoled or forced or intervened upon. I was scared. I was hurting myself and I had to do something about it. That little voice was persistent but tiny, and so easily shoved into the back of my mind, that I didn’t hear it for a really long time.
As I am sober for more and more time I can feel my intuition growing stronger. That little voice inside my gut is leading me to better places than it used to. When you are listening to your gut’s little voice- your intuition, not your junkie voice- you are following your own positive path in life. This path will not generally steer you wrong because it is based upon self-love. I really enjoyed the latest post on the ‘Sober Identity’ blog here, which talked a lot about loving yourself. Check it out, yo.
The main thing that I took from her article was that it is impossible to drink AND love yourself if you are an alcoholic. So, for me, drinking does not equal self-love. Drinking will NEVER equal self-love because drinking is actually a form of self-harm. Thinking about that caused a big aha! moment for me. I can never, ever pamper myself, or relax with, a glass of wine or a shot of whiskey again. It is NOT relaxing or pampering because it is so, so bad for me. I can go for a run or meditate or cry or take a bath, but I cannot give myself booze and pretend that I am loving myself.
My little intuitive voice has always been there trying to lead me to good places, but I wasn’t very good at listening to it for a long time. Alcohol clogged it up, numbed it out, distracted it with hangovers, and did a number of other things to obscure it that I am only beginning to awaken to. I think it will only grow louder and more clear as my brain continues to heal from the years of abuse that I put it through. I feel excited to find out where that little voice will lead me from here.
The Soberist Blog 
Your post made me feel very teary. It’s so wonderful to read about your emergence and your journey. Inspirational for me. Thank you Jen. You’re just brilliant. X
Wow, your comment just made my day! Thank you so, so much. xx
Beautiful post, and so true. We cannot poison the one we love. Nope. Can’t do it, won’t do it. The little voice is saying “I love you just the way you are.” Keep listening to it.
That’s a nice rendition of the little voice. 🙂 Thanks. xx
Hi, Jen! Sorry to be so late to your party (har har). First of all, congrats! This is some hard shit. And, you’re SO right, that intuition (focus, direction, knowing what is right for you, not being afraid to do what you REALLY want to do) does just keep getting stronger. It really does just keep getting stronger, and the more you refine it, the stronger it gets even in your weak moments… xx
Aw, thanks for coming to my sober party (ain’t no party like a sober party, cause sober parties don’t stop). Ha. 🙂 It is nice to hear that our intuition does get stronger and better over time. I need to work on meditating more to help refine it, maybe. All in good time, I suppose. Thanks for the support- it is much appreciated. xx
It’s so funny though because when you are drinking you don’t think of it as self harm, I didn’t anyway.. I thought of it as ‘self-treating’ like ‘oh I deserve this treat’ of course that was absolute bollocks. Great post xx
Me too! I always thought of it as a treat after a hard day. I am trying to think of it more like stepping on broken glass or putting my hand on the stove, rather than a treat. It’s an interesting shift in perspective. 🙂
I was just thinking about this.. How before I would use the wine as my “reward” because I deserved a special thing.. What a joke.. Nice perspective.. Don’t drink=self love..
Thanks Lex! Glad you thought it too! 🙂
Hi Jen.
I know it’s perhaps a bit late to comment on this post…
I’ve been reading sobriety blogs on and off all day. When I came to yours I started at the beginning. I’ve decided that today is my Day 1 (a bit weird I know, considering I could have started on 1st Jan) and I don’t know if this will be 100 days or whatever, but I’m feeling all sorts of things – fear of failure, hope for the future, shame that I obviously can’t drink ‘normally’ – and plenty more besides. But I found this post really powerful – it kind of struck a chord with me (well most of what I’ve read on your blog, so far, has too!) and I’m going to make sure I refer back to it if (and when?!) I feel like I need some help, something to hang on to.
I’m going to keep reading, and collecting the tools I need to battle away at the addictive voice in my head. And start listening to the intuitive one instead.
Thank you so much for sharing your experiences – hopefully I’ll be able to get to a similar place myself one day x
Thanks for your comment. Good for you for starting today! No time like the present….and you can start the New Year all sparkly and sober. Please feel free to email me if you ever need any extra support. Jenisthesoberist@gmail.com
I am a couple of years behind you! But I just love your blog – everything you say is me!!! thankyou for sharing, god it is sooo helpful!! I have to stop reading though! I am getting nothing else done in the day!! 😀
Welcome!!!