I Am Now a Wallflower

At this point I am not sure that I will ever be able to have a “normal” social life again. I am jesting a bit, but damn! It’s hard! I went to my friend’s bachelorette party and wedding last week/weekend and it was sorta fun for like one second and then I left. It is hard to be around friends drinking, and I felt uncomfortable, so I used my husband and baby as an excuse. Bad mama! It was just too tempting to have just one drink while my husband was at home and everyone else was tipsy, and I was scared of making that mistake, so I extricated myself from those situations. I was really hoping that I would be able to hang and party sober for awhile, but it just didn’t happen. I hope it will get easier if I keep trying, or else I might have to become a hermit. Maybe I should go ahead and purchase a cabin in a remote area in the mountains now! At least then I can hermit it up in style.

I dunno, I am really more of a one-on-one person when it comes to socializing anyway. I think I started liking alcohol because it made me feel more comfortable in crowds when I was nothing more than a wee, timid teenager. Alcohol made me louder and more carefree, and without it I struggle to feel heard in large groups. Now that I am alcohol free I think I am back to being more of a one-on-one or small group person. That is okay, but it will require some adjustments in my expectations and plans for my social life. Baby steps.

On another note, I am feeling under the weather today. I might have the flu or something because I am achy and generally icky feeling. Therefore I am going to keep this blog post short, but I wanted to thank everyone who gave me encouragement and support about being social during the past few weeks. I WAY over thought things, which is pretty normal for me, but at least I made safe, smart choices in the end. I am looking to all of you to show me how to eventually spread my wings a bit further. I know it is possible! Keepin’ the faith, yes I am.

Plus, I am 67 days sober! The days are really starting to add up without nearly as much work on my part, which is pretty damn cool. 67 days seems like a lot to me, but I know it is a mere drop in the bucket.

Have a good day, everyone. I am going back to bed.

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14 thoughts on “I Am Now a Wallflower

  1. This is not the same, but it is similar. A little over 2 years ago I became a vegetarian. To say the least I come from a family of big meat-eaters. My first holiday after my conversion was awkward! My own family acted as though they did not know what to do around me. I almost felt like I offended people with my personal choice. Geez I dreaded telling my family I gave up meat, I am really going to be an outsider now that I don’t drink, but I digress.

    These days people know what to expect, and I get much less grief. People have even made me meatless options. My hope is that one day being a non-drinker will be equally as unremarkable. I hope a couple of years from know I will just be a vegetarian non-drinker that still gets to enjoy life and can party longer than all the drunkies. πŸ™‚ I just have to get past the initial jolt of sobriety first.

    67 is Awesome!!! Keep up the good work!

  2. This is normal, in many ways. I am like you – good one on one and maybe two people. ha ha. I drank to even do that…never mind large groups. Ugh. I am an introvert and there isn’t much to break me out of that hard-wiring. I am better with people, and I can talk in front of large groups (like meetings, or at work – anywhere where I am comfortable), but if it’s just someone in line at the grocery store, I clam up. Or stumble…ha ha. This takes time.

    I am glad you left when you did. 67 days is fantastic! But I know I was still vulnerable at that time. it’s different for everyone though. I LOVE what you say about “expectations” – there it is! Many early in their recovery (me included) have certain expectations about how others should act around them. And rarely does it work out that way. I remember my first sober Xmas, and I told my sister-in-law to please have booze out and to not change anything for me (oh how self important and magnanimous of me!! lol). She just said “I wasn’t going to change anything” and just chugged along! I loved that. Ego put down. I needed that. And a wake up call. Not everyone is going to change just for me. And I wouldn’t want them to. So I had to shift my perspective, as you are seeing. And it’s freeing. So yeah, maybe not so many shindigs these early days, but it gets better and then you’ll be able to go to those things one day and not have to make excuses. Having said that, always have a back-out plan πŸ™‚

    Great stuff and congrats again on your 67 days!

    Love and light,
    Paul

    • Thanks Paul. It’s nice to hear that it’s possible one day to enjoy those types of things again. I feel like I need to jump into my new life and start doing more things to make myself happy being sober, because the same things aren’t going to do it anymore. My attitude is kind of off because I am a bit sick, too, so I am trying not to take myself too seriously right now! Always enjoy hearing from you. -Jen

  3. Of what value is there to a night spent with drunks? I have always been one so yet to know what is like but just do not have the desire to sit around for hours while people get loaded. Never understood how people could tolerate it. Anyway, great job going! There have to be fun ways to socialize without it being a drunken stupor. My last drink was aug 17. Following along with ya…

    • It’s hard because I was always the biggest drunk…many of my friends drink but aren’t really drunks…or if they are I don’t really know it because I was always too focused on getting drinks into my belly! Sigh. I agree with you, it isn’t much fun to sit around with drunk people. They are bor-ing. That’s so cool that we quit drinking so close to each other! It is getting a little easier, don’t you think? Here’s to being patient… πŸ™‚

  4. “Hermit it up”. LOL awesome. πŸ™‚

    I figured out that I am actually an introvert after I quit drinking. Which means I like to hermit it up pretty much all the time.

    Hope you’re feeling better!

  5. Proud of you for choosing your sobriety. It’s hard but eventually I think we’ll all be able to do everything without being tempted. Smart of you to leave.

  6. I think you hit the nail on the head there when you said you started drinking to cope with social situations. When you think about it, that’s what most people still do – even ‘normies’ are keen to drink at parties because it helps them socialize a bit better and get in the party mood. So people like us are always going to find it harder. But I think we just figure out what it is we do like doing instead – maybe meeting smaller groups of people as you said. Sounds like you did pretty good to me!

    • Yep, I was just thinking about that. I need to start figuring out what else I genuinely enjoy doing instead of wallowing in sadness because I am depriving myself of alcohol (that was trying its hardest to kill me). It’s like I have to get to know myself for the first time since I was a kid. xx- Jen

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