It’s weird, but I feel much more content and happy on weekdays than I used to. The lack of hangovers is pretty spectacular when it comes to getting up in the morning. I also feel less pressure to drink than I do on weekends, both from myself and from the number of social situations where alcohol is present. I used to party hard on the weekends, but not always on weekdays. Don’t get me wrong, I often drank on weeknights, but I usually had some sort of responsibility the next day that I had to attend to, so there were more consequences when I overindulged (which still happened kind of a lot). It’s a different vibe, one that I am totally digging these days.
I am feeling more positive than I have in awhile, and I think it has helped me to read a bunch of sobriety stuff and write here regularly. I don’t want to put any pressure on myself to write on this blog because it is fun thing to do, and pressure for me often equals a quest for perfection, which usually equals failure, which then equals guilt, shame, guilt, shame, and ends in me wanting to drink my problems far, far away (even though I created them myself). You can probably see why I am avoiding that land mine for the time being. However, when I do take the time to write my thoughts down I feel lighter, happier, more balanced.
I guess living sober is like most things in life…two steps forward and one step back. I make some progress, realize some things, think rationally about how I have chosen to stop drinking, and then totally freak out because I can’t drink anymore and it ISN’T FAIR! It’s sort of like recognizing that I have really bad PMS that will surface every month. If I am aware of it I can prepare for it to a certain extent, and it helps to know that it will end after a certain amount of emotional pain and general angst. Does that make any sense?
I feel slightly more prepared to deal with those dark places the next time around. I also feel humbled, once again, by how powerful this addiction is. Thank you to everyone who comes here and reads my thoughts, as well as bloggers who share their lives with the rest of us. You really help and I appreciate you.