I have been thinking a lot about drinking lately. Not all of the time, but enough that I want to explore it a little bit here. It feels like my initial motivation has flagged somewhat and I am stuck in an uncomfortable place of wanting to drink yet not wanting to drink. I feel whiny, blah, and basically tired of making the effort to quit drinking. I have been experiencing the Fear of Missing Out when I know that my friends are out doing stuff that involves alcohol. I have been questioning my seriousness about sobriety.
Once I write down my thoughts they seem silly, but they are persistent little suckers.
I guess I am struggling with the amount of work and effort it takes to recreate my life from scratch in so many ways. Drinking used to be an effective, if not good or particularly healthy, time filler. It was my hobby. It kept me company. It took away bad feelings that I didn’t want to deal with. Even when I wanted to do other things I ended up spending my time drinking, so I never had to think very much. I would be faded enough that I could believe my own lies about what I would accomplish on some distant tomorrow.
Now I have to think about things more. I have to talk to people socially without having a buzz. I can’t pretend that certain things in my life are okay because I have on blinders from alcohol. I have to make things fun on their own merit, not just because I am experiencing a chemical “high” from drinking. Hard ‘effin work, I tell you.
So what am I going to do about these ambivalent feelings, blog? Make a list! Raise your hand if you love lists, too. Here are some ideas for the next few days to keep my sobriety going strong.
– Read a sober memoir. I checked out Augusten Burroughs’ ‘Dry’ from the library and am going to start it. And probably finish it. I am a speedy reader.
– Write down three things that I am grateful for each day this week.
– Spend 20 to 30 minutes praying and meditating every day. No excuses for this one because it helps me so much.
– Work on goals for the future that I want to accomplish in the short and long term. Write them down. Maybe write them down in a new journal because blank pages, and pretty new journals, make me happy.
– Get some damn exercise, sister.
– Practice loving kindness towards myself. I beat myself up SO much sometimes and it really isn’t helpful in the quest for a sober life. Perfection is a myth and I am enough just the way I am. Hey, hey. That can be my mantra for the days ahead.
Wow, I already feel more positive and hopeful just thinking about doing these things.