Last night was hard. It totally sucked. I wanted to drink sooo bad I could practically taste it. So I just wanted to tell you that, blog. And I want to tell my junkie voice to go ahead and fuck off, please.
My husband, son and I went to a little block party in our town square last night. There was live music, lots of kids, and many of our friends. It was fun! But my friends were either drinking (a little) or planning to go elsewhere to drink later and listen to more live music. This weekend a small music festival takes place at various bars/restaurants/venues around town. I was JEALOUS. I wanted to go and have fun, too. I felt left out and sad that I could no longer partake in those activities. Everyone seemed excited and adventurous and happy, except dull old Jen. My shy teenage self came out of hiding and remembered spending time alone at home while others were out having fun together. Totally irrational! Yet it totally happened.
Going to a bar right now would be a recipe for disaster. I need more time and space between my drinking and the places where I used to drink. I need more sober friends. I need new activities for the weekend. I need to focus on what is important- my sobriety, my family, etc.
Whew. I am glad I escaped. I didn’t realize how left out I would feel. It seemed like a totally harmless place to go hang out for awhile, but my junkie voice threw a damn fit. Well, fuck you junkie voice. You suck and I don’t want you around anymore. GO AWAY and leave me in peace.
How come it seems like everyone in the world drinks alcohol sometimes?
I feel good today. I am happy to be awake and ready to spend my Saturday being productive WITHOUT a hangover. My friends are probably suffering a bit right now (not that I want that for them, but I’m glad it’s not me). I did the right thing by coming home, putting my baby to bed, eating burritos with my husband, and watching bad TV until we went to bed early. It turned out to be nice. No crazy adventure… but real and genuine and good.
6 thoughts on “*Insert Curse Words Here*”
I can totally relate to you! I know that it is simply not possible for me to go into my old stomping grounds. I really hope the desires to drink fade. People that have experienced long term success say that it gets better. I am anxiously awaiting the peace that will come with less cravings. You should be proud that you made the right choice. Don’t worry about fun right now. I think that as you move forward you will have new definitions of fun. Good luck – Heather
I hope so, Heather! I think it will happen if we keep working on it. I think I need a plan for dealing with tough situations that are unexpected, too. Thanks for the encouragement! -Jen
Hey you.. sounds like you did a good job. To be honest most of the time it feels like everyone else drinks alcohol.. bloody every one does! but not me! and not you! and actually… just quietly… not lots of brave sober people in the world. So great you have joined in. Look forward to following your journey xxx
It is nice to be different and brave! One day, hopefully, I won’t obsess about what others are drinking. None of my business! Thank you for the support. Peace, Jen
I hear you. I keep reminding myself that drinking does NOT promote intimacy with other people, that is another illusion. It messes with my inhibitions and state of awareness, and does what my alcoholic self wants – to take over the job of managing my emotions because I never learned how to do it, or got in the habit of drinking at a young age, or genetics or whatever. Drinking doesn’t make me joyous and separates me from others, I close down instead of opening up. The appearance of people drinking and having fun may not be what it seems to be at all.
May all be at peace and have no suffering.
Thanks for this comment, it is really nice, and you are right on. Drinking appears to promote intimacy, but really does the opposite. It is hard to relearn those old patterns, but it seems so worthwhile to be on the path of a spiritual life filled with meaning. Best, Jen