I am still going strong on this whole sobriety thing- today is Day 20! I am 1/5 of the way done with the 100 Day Sober Challenge! I am planning on never drinking again, but the challenge gives me a reachable goal to work towards. I like that.
I have been experiencing a lot of ups and downs in the past few days. Life feels really hard and boring sometimes, and I am not sure that I will ever have fun again. But then I see a small glimpse of the life that I could have if I remain sober, and it looks and feels really beautiful. I hope that the glimpses become longer and more frequent as I gain more sober time under my belt. I also remember that I wasn’t having very much fun drinking, anyway, at least towards the end. I think part of the problem is that I lost contact with real, authentic, lough-out-loud fun while I was drinking heavily, and I have to relearn it. It ain’t easy and it will take time, so I must be patient. Ergh. Patience has never been my strong suit.
I guess the thing that I am most worried about is that I will crave alcohol forever. I don’t want to feel deprived for the rest of my life. People who have been sober for over a year say that the cravings diminish somewhat over time, and I really, really hope that is true. At 5pm every day I have an annoying internal struggle. That is the time that I seriously doubt I can do this forever. It would be super great if that stopped eventually.
Why is change so damn hard? Even though I know in my heart that I will appreciate what I am doing for myself in the future, it is still SO HARD SOMETIMES. I have faith that someday I will look back and thank myself for making my self-esteem, health, sanity, spirituality and family a priority. For making my LIFE a priority.
So, in the meantime I am trying to take everything slow, slow, slow. No big decisions, even though I want to CHANGE EVERYTHING! I want to have another baby, move to a bigger city, buy a bunch of stuff, cut my hair, go back to school, and on and on. While many of these things are positive, and could be a good idea in the future, I think that right now they are a DISTRACTION from the boredom of becoming sober. I always jump into things head first, but something is telling me to slow down here. To focus on becoming comfortable in my own skin before I take on new challenges. Not to find another way to avoid feeling my feelings, the same way I did when I was drinking.
For the most part, though, sober life is peaceful. It is a more thoughtful existence. I have no shame or guilt ruining my days and filling them with anxiety. I am even starting to feel a little joy seep into my chest sometimes, as long as I remember that everything is okay, and that I must go through the hard stuff to eventually get where I want to be.