Everything is Okay

I am still going strong on this whole sobriety thing- today is Day 20! I am 1/5 of the way done with the 100 Day Sober Challenge! I am planning on never drinking again, but the challenge gives me a reachable goal to work towards. I like that.

I have been experiencing a lot of ups and downs in the past few days. Life feels really hard and boring sometimes, and I am not sure that I will ever have fun again. But then I see a small glimpse of the life that I could have if I remain sober, and it looks and feels really beautiful. I hope that the glimpses become longer and more frequent as I gain more sober time under my belt. I also remember that I wasn’t having very much fun drinking, anyway, at least towards the end. I think part of the problem is that I lost contact with real, authentic, lough-out-loud fun while I was drinking heavily, and I have to relearn it. It ain’t easy and it will take time, so I must be patient. Ergh. Patience has never been my strong suit.

I guess the thing that I am most worried about is that I will crave alcohol forever. I don’t want to feel deprived for the rest of my life. People who have been sober for over a year say that the cravings diminish somewhat over time, and I really, really hope that is true. At 5pm every day I have an annoying internal struggle. That is the time that I seriously doubt I can do this forever. It would be super great if that stopped eventually.

Why is change so damn hard? Even though I know in my heart that I will appreciate what I am doing for myself in the future, it is still SO HARD SOMETIMES. I have faith that someday I will look back and thank myself for making my self-esteem, health, sanity, spirituality and family a priority. For making my LIFE a priority.

So, in the meantime I am trying to take everything slow, slow, slow. No big decisions, even though I want to CHANGE EVERYTHING! I want to have another baby, move to a bigger city, buy a bunch of stuff, cut my hair, go back to school, and on and on. While many of these things are positive, and could be a good idea in the future, I think that right now they are a DISTRACTION from the boredom of becoming sober. I always jump into things head first, but something is telling me to slow down here. To focus on becoming comfortable in my own skin before I take on new challenges. Not to find another way to avoid feeling my feelings, the same way I did when I was drinking.

For the most part, though, sober life is peaceful. It is a more thoughtful existence. I have no shame or guilt ruining my days and filling them with anxiety. I am even starting to feel a little joy seep into my chest sometimes, as long as I remember that everything is okay, and that I must go through the hard stuff to eventually get where I want to be.

4 thoughts on “Everything is Okay

  1. I can really relate to your feelings. My whole blog today was a rant about my desires to drink. I too really hope the desires fade. You reminded me that things weren’t fun recently with my drinking. It was like the desire to have MORE sucked out all of the joy of life. Congrats on day 20! I am trucking along behind you on day 11. Thank you for reminding me that sometimes we remember what we want to remember and not really the way things were. Best wishes – Heather

  2. I am (hang on, need to check) 179!! Days sober. Don’t even count days anymore.
    I used to be a slave to the clock too, rreally don’t ever think about it at that time now. It passes, it really does. Still get odd cravings at odd times but you won’t be fighting the feeling every single day…so that is a huge life changer….oh the freedom from that…. Thanks for the reminder of where I have come from and the progress!
    Good luck x

    • Ha! I love that you needed to check how many days you have- seriously can’t wait for that. That type of freedom sounds absolutely lovely. My resolve is strong, now I just need to be patient and take good care of myself! Have a great day Carrie! 🙂

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