Layers of Denial

The most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently. –Pema Chödrön

Denial = Alcoholism. Lesson learned = Today.

I started drinking ages ago. I was 14, I think? My 34th bday is next month. So… almost 20 years of time served. I am sick and tired of letting alcohol control so much of my life. As of today, August 16, 2013, I am done with it. Goin’ on the wagon.

This blog is a way to help me work through the process of becoming sober.

I gave birth to a little boy nine months ago. He is my everything, my raison d’être, the love of my life (aside from my wonderful husband, that is). I want to give him more than I was given. That’s every parents goal in some way, yes? Instead of more money, or more education, or anything like that, I simply want to provide my little boy with a stable, happy home where his parents deal with their problems, and the stresses of life, head on.

A home where alcohol is not an issue. The wounds end with me.

I come from an alcoholic family absolutely FILLED with denial. When I called my Mother to tell her I thought I needed to quit drinking she said, “Well, have you tried drinking water in between drinks?”

Really?! I guess I never thought of that in my 20 years of hardcore, rockstar-ish, ridiculous drinking. I just needed to drink more water in between drinks! That would have definitely saved me from all of those shameful, humiliating, soul-crushing experiences. Or… yeah, not done that at all.

I love my Mom, and I know she supports me, but for some reason she doesn’t see alcoholism as a big problem. I don’t mean to poke fun at her, though. She has her worldview and I have mine. They are just not very congruent right now. Maybe if I deal with my problems she will come around. I can always hope.

So, to go ahead and use an overused metaphor… I am an onion, and I am just beginning to peel away the layers of denial that I have been working hard on building for the past 20 years. I have to say I am scared witless, but I am also really looking forward to the trip back to my authentic self. I just hope I can do it.