Welp, I made it through my second weekend alcohol-free. That hasn’t happened for awhile. I feel good about it, but I also experienced a mild case of the Mondays yesterday and seem to be heading for a case of the Tuesdays today. I think I like having my husband home over the weekend. I also think that regardless of whether or not I am drinking, I get kind of depressed during the early part of the week. I always thought it was related to too much partying over the weekend, but I guess there is other stuff going on. The fun of the weekend is over, blah blah blah. Yesterday I snapped out of my funk by deep cleaning the kitchen. Today I might conquer the bathrooms. I’ve always felt that organizing my exterior spaces helps to keep me mentally balanced. Good old Virgo self.
Sunday evening was difficult for me. I really wanted a beer or a wine or something to take the edge off of my day. Not that my day was particularly bad… it was a totally normal Sunday… but I still experienced some cravings. I think alcohol had the ability to make boring, regular days seem more exciting in the past. It provided a sense of adventure… a feeling that anything could happen… even if all that normally happened was a hangover, a blackout, a sense of numbness, or a rare (and quite likely embarrassing) outing.
Luckily, the feeling passed. We put the baby to bed, grilled some burgers, and watched a few episodes of Breaking Bad. It was a nice, relaxing night with no regrets the next day. Yesterday I didn’t have the desire to drink. I think I am craving excitement and need to work on adding a bit more to my life… in a way that doesn’t include alcohol. Or maybe I just need to focus on NOT DRINKING and be kinder to myself in the process. Excitement can wait. Not drinking is the important thing right now.
I have been thinking about writing a post about my history with alcohol, but the thought of doing so overwhelms me. I have been drinking in a dysfunctional manner for SO LONG. There are SO MANY reasons why I drank. My family is a mess when it comes to alcohol, I have social anxiety, etc. I’m not sure that writing it out all at once will really help me to heal. Maybe I will simply share a few examples (every once in awhile) why alcohol is no longer a part of my life.
Exhibit A: I went to NYC on a college trip for a class that I was in. This was 10 to 12 years ago, I believe. We basically visited various fashion places during the day as a part of school (I was a fashion major), and then got completely loaded at clubs every night. Well, at least I got loaded… One day I was so hungover that I had to excuse myself to throw up during presentations by Vera Wang bridal, Liz Claiborne, and a few other major players. I basically spent the whole day being sick in the bathrooms at these places that I was hoping to learn from… maybe even work for one day. I thought it was funny at the time but now it strikes me as sad and pathetic. Why was I wasting my time in school in the first place? Why wasn’t I taking my life more seriously? How much of my life was I not showing up for because of drinking? I was definitely not ready at that point to admit that I had a serious problem with alcohol.
This is a very minor incident in my drinking career, but I think I will start small and build up towards the bigger and more humiliating stuff. Some of these things are difficult to write about, or even think about sometimes. But hey, my case of the Tuesdays is receding slightly. Thanks blog!