I am trying to keep in mind the connection between my drunk self and the desire to have JUST ONE DRINK. I read about the Last Drunk vs. the First Drink** recently and it really rang true with me.
My Last Drunk = Blacking out, an angry husband, morning-after shame, and anxiety for days. The First Drink = A nice way to unwind after a tough day (or an easy day, anxious day, normal day, happy day, tired day, etc.). Every time I want to have the First Drink, I have to remember that my Last Drunk goes RIGHT along with it.
So, my last drunk. This wasn’t the last time that I ever drank alcohol, but this was the experience that made me feel motivated to stop drinking entirely. It happened the weekend before I quit. My husband was in the mood for a whiskey and soda drink, which he had not had in months, so he brought a bottle of whiskey and some mixers home from work. After the baby was asleep we started pouring ourselves some drinks. I believe I cooked dinner in the process, but we might have skipped food that night to continue drinking. I don’t remember.
Anyway, I got drunk and decided that it would be a good idea to go out to a local bar on my own. My husband and I can not go out together anymore because of the sleeping babe, and none of my friends go out very late at night these days, so I walked the 1/2 mile or so to get there by myself. This is a somewhat seedy but friendly place that I have been going to for years. I am friends with the bartenders and many of the patrons, so I wasn’t worried about my safety too much at the bar itself, but I was still walking/stumbling around town at night alone.
I was drunk. Like browning out, talking WAY to freely to everyone at the bar, being overly friendly, basically acting-stupid-kind of-drunk. I don’t really remember getting home. My husband called/texted me over 10 times while I was out that I didn’t respond to. My phone was on silent, but I was so out of it that I didn’t check my phone to see if he had called.
Meanwhile, my baby was at home asleep. My husband was worried. Everything turned out okay, but it could have not been okay under slightly different circumstances. Ugh. Writing this makes me cringe with shame.
This is why I no longer drink. The First Drink is never, ever worth it for me.
**I have been inhaling sobriety information in my quest for the brainwashing of my alcoholic self (impossible, I know), and can’t give credit where credit is due for the idea of Last Drunk vs. First Drink. Thank you to whomever came up with this idea.